Life of Joy

I'm learning a lot right now about the impact of my favorite dysfunctions on other people, people I care about.

I've got a variety of urges coming up around that, most notably the desire to go focus on something else.

Yeah, that's me.

An alternative: stay present, relax, listen and learn without letting my ego get all bent up about it. I'm gonna try this route and see what I can do with it. Part of it is not taking myself too seriously, and stopping to poke fun at myself regularly.

I'm sure my friends will be happy to help with this.

Really beautiful, really excellent meeting with Ben. He does more for my writing than anyone else I know. One hour Two hours with him equals two weeks of productivity, and he listens to my passionate speeches about why this concept or that concept is the great bridge he needs to span his own various perspectives with a gentle and encouraging amusement.

He tells me that my one paper is actually three papers, and then helps me focus on which pieces go in manuscripts one, two and three. He helps me build a timeline for all three, and kindly reminds me that I am my own worst enemy (what writer isn't?) in ways that don't make me angry.

What in the hell would I do without this man as my mentor? Thank the gods I am able to keep him as I walk forward into the next part of my life.

I feel more peaceful than I have in weeks. Fully present, happy, calm. Just enjoying the moments.

I'm noticing that when I feel good and strong and positive, I am better about staying in contact with people. When I don't feel great, I'm terrible at it.

I'm not sure whether this is a good thing, a bad thing, or just a neutral thing.

Pros:

When I feel bad, at least I don't make others feel bad too, because I'm just not around to do that.
I'm pretty good at fixing myself.

Cons:

It's probably worrisome to others.
I might be able to feel better sooner if I communicate more.


It's worth thinking about.

So the thing that is exciting me now, that is really, really exciting me now, is that I took a new job.
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One of the reasons I want to retreat is to center and rebalance. Because when I'm centered and balanced, I can just love without all the ick, without needing or requiring this thing or that thing. When I am fully myself, I can just love, extend my love (laughing...autocorrect is funny!) out into the world, and that feels truly wonderful. I want more of that wonderful feeling.

Recognizing where I am, I spent yesterday scheduling one retreat a month from May through September. I'm also close to enrolling in a retreat workshop in October.

Over the last few weeks, I've heard myself saying, "I need to retreat."

Thinking about this, I decided to take myself seriously and actually do it.

For me, retreat means taking at least a weekend either alone or with 1-4ish people, relaxing, renewing myself and rejuvenating my capacity for joy.

So that's what I'm going to do for the rest of the year. Festivals do not count: I always end up working them. Visits don't count unless there is assurance that they will be low drama and low stress.

Opportunities to be in loving, calm, low stress environments with great communicators who care about me count.

I think this is a really wise move.

Old mantra: "I don't know what I'm doing."
New mantra: "I will now figure it out."

Words are important. What I say matters. How I say it matters. Words build empires, raise new realities, crash old illusions. Words matter.

This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one...the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

George Bernard Shaw

Hey! I just realized that I did manage to fulfill one of my biggest desires for Beltane: I feel good about how I conducted myself. Yay!

I'm actually feeling pretty peaceful now that I realize that. I had a few opportunities to be dumb, make unwise moves, respond in negative, knee-jerk ways to tricky situations and assume that other people were acting from malice/douchebaggery.

In almost every situation, I passed on these opportunities and assumed the best in others around me. Woo hoo!