I'm starting to rekindle some old friendships. But I've changed in many ways, and both what I seek and what I have to give has shifted, too.
I'm approaching things with a lighter touch, now. That which is meant to flourish will blossom, and that which isn't will abide temporarily and then dissipate, and that's alright, too.
I also feel stronger and more centered, less like drama is going to kill my heart. That's kept me away from people for some time: a strong wish for no drama, and perhaps the worry that any drama I encounter will be truly unpleasant.
But today, I feel centered and strong, and able to trust that if drama appears, I'll just walk away. No big.
Anything I don't like, or that doesn't seem wholesome to me, has no power over me that I don't give it.
This frees me to go back, reconnect, and see what my connections feel like with peace and freedom.
This trust in myself, and this peace in reaching out, is made possible by two things:
1. Lack of attachment: I don't feel nearly as attached to outcomes, because of a still-fresh awareness that, big shock, I don't have to depend on other people for happiness, fulfillment, or joy. I can find that for myself, without needing others to get me there.
It's nice when they can add to my happiness, but if they don't, it doesn't have to devastate me. As a creature of life and joy, I can always get back there myself with or without company.
I no longer think that attachment is necessary for love. In fact, I think it endangers love. Lots of love + little attachment to outcomes or behaviors means that I can love people without making them responsible for my happiness.
That makes it a whole lot easier both for them and for me.
2. My source of safety is housed more inside of my own self than I've ever experienced before. This means that I don't move as quickly into panic when my close relationships seem threatened. Michael doesn't represent safety the way he used to. I am my own safety, now.
So fear has less power over me. Things that once seemed scary or threatening to my marriage or close relationships (really, my perceived sources of safety in the world), are just...possibilities. I don't have to go nuts and lose myself in panic when a possibility that once threatened me appears.
I think some of my old relationships will survive this shift by changing and becoming different kinds of connections. Others will just die. I'm good with both options. I can still love the people who don't connect deeply with me anymore. I'll just love them from a distance, without stress.
And new people with new insights and ideas will emerge from the world. The heavens will open up entirely new universes of possibility.
And that is good.